Self-Esteem

This is a blog I wrote when I was 22 years old: This was a hectic year. I was dealing with one guy long distance who called me crazy for actually having feelings and one who was just using me but I was too blind to see it. I'm so glad that I now have that "This is me and fuck you if you dont like it" attitude I was wishing for before. I am so much more at peace now, but it was great to come across this and see the growth:






I would say that 2011 has been a bit crazy for me. The most hectic was between April to.... now. Not to go into my whole life story, but trying to deal with school, work, family, and relationships can drive a girl to drink. (& Trust me it did) I took a sociology class this summer that taught me alot about myself. I had one of the best professors I have ever had, a charismatic black woman that graduated from Harvard. She could make you feel like you could walk outside and pick up a car of you felt like it. She taught us to sit back and evaluate ourselves and were we wanted to be in life and how we went about the different relationships we had to make with people. This had me thinking alot about my life and how I handle a lot of things. At this point in time I was on and off again with a boy I had been dealing with for a few months and took to tumblr to write this post:


I have always associated low self-esteem with looks. I myself am comfortable for the most part with my looks so I never considered the fact that I would have low self esteem. Over these past few months, since about March, I have been sitting back and evaluating how I handle people and situations. I have come to the conclusion that I am a people pleaser. This is NOT a good thing. I have always prided myself in the fact that I don’t have one enemy. This is only true because I make sure people like me. I compromise how I feel and how I think so there is no disagreement. A pushover basically. I never realized that not ever voicing my opinion was due to low self esteem, being so afraid to be wrong. simple things, like knowing an answer in class but never raising my hand to say something because I’m afraid I’ll be wrong. I’m not the, “this is me and fuck you if you dont like it” type, I’m the “this is me and I hope you like it” type. I have realized in recent months that I do this, and that my self esteem is low, so I have been struggling with myself to fix it. I have been trying to do this myself only because I didn’t want to bother anyone else with it, not my friends, my parents, I thought the guy i was dealing with wouldnt like me anymore because of it, so I didnt tell him. This was a horrible idea that people pleasers have. Not wanting to be a bother, not feeling worth the time. Being alone with wine and tears asking whats wrong with me is not at all the best way to handle anything. I became a person I dont even know. & its now longer private, its OBVIOUS that I have come out of myself, people I rarely even talk to are like “your not your self, you okay?” I have never known how to express myself because I’ve always felt that no one cared enough about me to care how I felt. So I started “trying” to express myself with a guy i was recently involved with, but he never reacted the way I wanted. he took it as I was attacking him then always found away to turn it around and make me feel awful, so I just stopped and would retract what I said act like I didnt care and do everything within myself to “try” and make him happy.. because I believed I was wrong, I shouldnt have said anything… cuz thats what people pleasers do. Fuck my feelings, this man has to be happy. I’ve done this a lot over the years with different guys, say something i dont like, see how they react, then get scared im going to loose them so i retract everything, and really feel like i was wrong for saying something, really trying to fix it even though i didnt really do anything wrong. Trying to control men with sex because i know thats what they like, cooking dinners cuz i know thats what they like, buying them shit, jumping through hoops of fire and not even having a “girlfriend” title. WHY ARE YOU GIVING EVERYTHING, USING ALL OF THIS ENERGY, ON A MAN WHO IS DOING N O T H I N G FOR YOU. low self esteem. I never got that, you have to love your self before you love someone else thing, but I really do now. & I have not only done this with guys, but with family & “friends” which has caused me to get used often. I haven’t felt like I’ve achieved anything in a long time. I’m STILL in school not knowing when I’ll graduate, I dont have as much money as i would like, I’ve been single for four years. I ultimately feel like a failure, and not even worthy of being treated the way I would like. terrible right? already being defeated before I’ve even tried has caused me to have a lot of “what ifs” and I need some more OH WELLS. I’ve come over a few humps in trying to get my self-esteem together, and actually feel worthy. I do have a ways to go though….. but progress is always good. just have to look at the good. replacing more of the negative, with the positive. =) [Random Tumblr Rant June 2011]


This post was post that one guy hating me and during Mr. Yeah tryna creep his way back in. This summer was full of a lot of emotional ups & downs for me and this was probably around the point of crashing and burning. BUT if you pay attention to the part were


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